February 13, 2011

Why The Pokemon Universe Would Be A Terrible Place To Live

It wasn't that long ago that I would have traded both my parents and about 10 years of my life just to have my own, living, breathing Cubone.  But I've been thinking about Pokemon a lot recently (I say recently but the truth is that I'm always thinking about Pokemon) and I'm starting to believe that that trade would've been as lopsided as Frank Robinson for Milt Papas.

(Note: These observations mostly concern the first two generations of the Pokemon games (Red-Crystal), because I was too poor to afford a Gameboy Advanced and any of the newer games.)

            Ok, so first off we need to talk about wild Pokemon battles.  They’re frequent, annoying, and incredibly scary.  The very first lesson that Professor Oak teaches you concerns the dangers of a wild pokemon encounter; he wouldn’t even let you walk into the grass without a Pokemon to protect yourself.  Now remember that Johto and Kanto have predominately de-centralized populations.  Almost all the jobs in the country are in Goldenrod, Saffron, or Celadon.  Also, no cars, no roads, and bicycles cost 1,000,000 monies.  How does everyone get to work?  At some point during their daily commute, they have to walk through grass and encounter a wild pokemon and that shit would be terrifying.  Imagine if you had to fight a wild Onix every time you wanted to fill out your times sheets.  What happens if your Pokemon faints? Do you have to physically fight off the Pokemon?  Everyone living in a small town (or heaven forbid Cinnabar Island. Seriously, this shit and a volcano eruption? What’d they do to piss off Arceus?) must work in another city and they have to fight wild pokemon to get there.  Ok, but what about Fly?  Even if they had a pokemon that could learn Fly, it’s a hidden move which not everyone has access to.  Also, the world does have a Magnet Train, but it only has two stops and both of them are in major cities.  Oh, and the tickets are nearly impossible to get.  The only piece of infrastructure in the entire world doesn’t help the people who need it most.  You could buy a ton of repels, revives, and potions, but at that point it might just be more cost effective to quit your job and stay home.  You could fill your days watching TV and the one channel they air which continuously plays a movie about a man riding a train.  A subtle fuck you as down Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream by the gallon and wait to die to traumatized and afraid to step a foot outside your door.

            Secondly, between the first and second generation of pokemon games (about three years chronologically) 100 species of pokemon were discovered.  There are two explanations for this: 1. The new species were introduced to the environment from someplace else or 2. They were literally just discovered.  Since the former would have led to massive ecological instability as the food chained re-organized itself to accommodate the new predators and prey, it must be the latter.  But take a second to think about that.  Some of these “new” pokemon are fairly common; every Joe Schmo would encounter them on their way to work.  I ran into so many wild Mareep that I could’ve filled up at least one of my boxes, and I only had to travel on Route 32 once.  And it’s not like the world where the new pokemon exist is isolated from the rest of the world. They share the same route numbering system.  Professor Oak himself lives and works on opposite sides of the world and he has to get to work just like everyone else.  He has to have had a wild encounter with one of these “new” pokemon at least once.  And even if he somehow avoid wild battles for all these years, remember that three of these “new” Pokemon are handed out to trainers by Professor Oak’s best friend.  So why hasn’t he written any of that down?  Why did he assure us that there were only 150 types of pokemon when there are more than those which he has seen first-hand? The only answer is that the World’s Greatest Pokemon Researcher doesn’t have a shred of scientific integrity; Professor Oak is a fraud.

            Another big problem is with the world is the hospitals.  And I’m not talking about the socialized medicine angle.  Every Pokecenter is run by a member of the same family. And they all look like alike.  And they’re all named “Joy”. First off, who named these people? George Forman?  Also, what happens to all the girls in the family who don’t look like the other Joys?  Are they left on cliffs like deformed Spartan babies?  Same thing with the police force except they’re all named “Jenny”.  Now imagine being told when you’re five that you’re not allowed to be a doctor or a policeman because those jobs are reserved for special children.  They’ve turned civil service jobs into virtual monarchies.  Speaking of monarchies, the gyms also are inherited.  Brock, Falkner, and Janine all received their gyms from their parents.  You thought Ivan the Terrible was terrible?  Now imagine him with dragons.

            Ok so this world is pretty shitty but I still have one last question, why hasn’t the government made any effort to make people’s lives better?  There’s no infrastructure, prices are sky high, and crime syndicates like Team Rocket are allowed to go around terrorizing the population.  The authorities have the power to fix everything.  They have the technology to imprison dragons inside capsules by altering their shape and mass. They must be able to build a car (or at least a cheaper bicycle for fuck’s sake.  Seriously how did anyone on the Cycling Road afford one?).  As for Team Rocket, the Elite Four have the strongest pokemon in the world, they could easily find where Team Rocket hides out and then straight murder their asses with lightning.  Why don’t they?  Because the Pokemon League is corrupt.  If you need more evidence of that, remember that Giovanni, the leader of Team Rocket, is also a gym leader.  Instead of using taxpayer money to benefit the welfare of the people, they use that cash to build themselves elaborate gyms with unnecessarily complex and expensive puzzles.  Really, Sabrina? You need teleportation pads? Your country has two schools.  The only reason no one notices all of these problems is because they’re too busy trying to become the next Pokemon Champion.  Everyone has a chance to win fortune and fame.  It’s like they combined the lottery from 1984 with the World Cup.  The only difference is that you have the chance to score the game winning goal for your country. Also, fucking dinosaurs.  The Pokemon League is a sham designed to keep you from asking questions about your shitty life and the monarchs that are responsible for it.

January 14, 2011

Woo-Hoo!

I got my first article published on Cracked.com entitled "The 5 Most Badass Musical Instruments Ever Built"
You can read it here:
http://www.cracked.com/article_18980_the-5-most-badass-musical-instruments-ever-built.html

November 10, 2010

Entry for Cracked.com Sketch Writing Competition

[Ext. Door of the board room reads “Smithfield Blindfolds”.  A man, PRESENTER, is holding a box.  He looks nervous]
[Int. Board Room.  Four men are sitting around a table]
Boss (Mr. Smithfield)
So next up is Rory Jenkins.
Man 1
Are you kidding me? This guy again? Grade A Mitten Face
Man 2
I’m going to let it slide that that’s not an expression.  You’ve had problems with every presenter today.  What’d this one do to you?
Man 1
Nothing.  I feel people do better when they’re on the defensive.  That’s why Nazi invasion of Poland failed.
Man 2
Nothing you just said is true.
[Door opens and in steps the man with the box]
Man 1
You’re mother’s Korean!
Presenter (Jenkins)
Was that an insult or a guess? Never mind, it doesn’t matter.  Mr. Smithfield, your father founded this company in 1887 with nary a half farthing in his pocket.  Because of his imagination and creative marketing, he was able to turn his small business into the number one blindfold distributer on the eastern seaboard.  Unfortunately, as you all are well aware of, the company has since fallen on hard times.  Gentlemen, I am here today to recapture Franklin Smithfield’s creative spark and help launch this company into a new golden era.  I want you to take one and pass them on.
[He pulls blindfolds out of the box]
Presenter (Jenkins)
Sit back and enjoy the greatest Power Point of your life.
[PRESENTER dims the lights and smiles smugly]
Man 1
Um how are we supposed to see the presentation if we’re blindfolded, J.D. Cockefeller?
Man 2
Yeah he has a good point.  Maybe we should just take them off, Jizz Dumpster.
Man 1
Was that what “J.D.” was supposed to stand for?
Man 2
Yeah.  Did you like it?
Man 1
Three out of five.
Man 2
I’ll take it.
Man 3
[Richard Prior Impression] Dead Honkey!
Man 2
I should not have showed him those videos.
Presenter (Jenkins)
No! Everyone stop talking.  You’re not taking the blindfolds off.  The idea is to get everyone thinking like the original Mr. Smithfield.  I’ll just have to improvise.  I’ll play it by eye, if you will.
[No one laughs]
Presenter (Jenkins)
Because um… you’re blindfolded… I’m not… It’s normally “play it by ear”…
Boss (Mr. Smithfield)
Get on with the presentation, Cockefeller.
Presenter (Jenkins)
Yes sir.  Ok it looks like I’ll have to skip a few slides.
[Slides being skipped look really cool.  Aliens riding dragons while wearing blindfolds, etc.]
Presenter (Jenkins)
Can’t use these either.
[Skips more awesome blindfold related slides.  One of the aliens should probably be wearing a shirt that reads “Christian!”]
Presenter (Jenkins)
Here we go.
[He stops on a slide with words]
Presenter (Jenkins)
Ok. Now I’d like you guys to use your new found power of creativity to imagine what the slide says.
Man 1
I want to go first!
Presenter (Jenkins)
Yeah… no.  Mr. Smithfield, would you like to go first?
Boss (Mr. Smithfield)
So you’re saying I can imagine anything?  This is why my father created this company: forward thinking and innovation.  With a blindfold on, your mind can reach unlimited potential.  It’s free from the physical distractions of the world; free to explore its highest peaks and deepest valleys.  I think you’re on to something here, Jenkins.
Presenter (Jenkins)
Thank you, sir.  You might say I’m a “vision”ary.
Boss (Mr. Smithfield)
I’d prefer it if you didn’t speak for the rest of the meeting.  If I let my mind wander I see my children.  I’m not at the office, I’m at home with my children; making up for lost time.  Wait, now I’m a child again.  I see my father.  He’s just gotten home from work, but instead going upstairs, he’s coming outside to greet me.  He has a baseball mit in his hand and he wants to play a game of catch.   The sun falls across the sky as we toss away the hours of the day.  I grow weak and he carries me off to bed.  When I awaken, I’m at a titty farm.  There titties as far as the eye can see.  Big ones, small ones, black ones, white ones.  This is one version of the 1950s where discrimination doesn’t exist.
[PRESENTER changes slides]
Presenter (Jenkins)
Alright and we’re moving on.  You said you wanted to go before?
Man 1
Not anymore.  You hurt my feelings.
Presenter (Jenkins)
If I apologized, would that make you feel better?
Man 1
Yes.  But if you ever cross me again, I’ll masturbate in a hat and make you wear it.
Presenter (Jenkins)
What?
Man 1
Oh you’re not familiar with the concept.  Well then in the interest of our new friendship, let me draw you a sketch!
Presenter (Jenkins)
You really don’t have to do that.
Man 1
Nozzlestorcks!
Presenter
What?
Man 2
He means “nonsense”.
Presenter (Jenkins)
I see.  You’ve been pretty quiet.  Do you have any suggestions?
Man 2
Well I would have laid out a table of are key demographics broken down by age, gender, income and county of residency.  I would have used this data and cross checked it with the results from our current television and radio advertisers to see if we’re reaching our max target audience.  I would have also included a list of possible internet sites to advertise on, seeing as that is currently an untapped market for us.
[His description is very similar to the slide currently on the screen]
Man 2
But after the boss went, all I can think about are titty farms.
[BOSS and MAN 2 go to high-5 but miss and wind up awkwardly touching each other’s faces.]
Presenter (Jenkins)
Damn it!
Man 2
I think I’m going to milk mine.
Presenter (Jenkins)
What about you… whoever you are?
Man 3
[British accent] This parrot is dead!
Presenter (Jenkins)
Seriously, who the fuck are you?
Man 1
I’m done!
[MAN 1 holds a startlingly accurate drawing of a man masturbating into a hat.  In the interest of tastefulness I suggest only the man in the drawing’s “O Face” is shown.  PRESENTER looks very confused.]
Presenter (Jenkins)
[Mouthing the words to himself] But he was blindfolded.
Man 3
So who’s on first?
Presenter (Jenkins)
Alright!  Everyone just shut up.  I don’t have much time left and against my better judgment I’ll see if the boss has anything to add.
[BOSS does a motor boating motion and sound effects]
Presenter (Jenkins)
Mother fucker.
THE END
[After the credits, the scene opens back up and BOSS and MAN 2 are in the foreground.  MAN 1 is on a table behind them laying down a hat and pulling his pants.  MAN 3 is in the background doing a Ministry of Silly Walks style walk.]
BOSS
So you’re saying if we got the government to subsidize, that would raise the market equilibrium quantity for titties?